Recover

So yesterday

Yesterday was the first day I fully completed my Meal Plan.

I overate in the grain and fruit area throughout the day, and I had a binge on two Jimmy Johns subs after IOP.

No purge after though! That’s still a success in itself. I’m paying for it right now though because I’m burping up what tastes and smells like legit fart.

I’ve realized I can’t go a day without doing at least one of my 3 behaviors: binge/purge/restriction.

I’m also doing a cleanse, two pills in the morning and two at night. I know it’s bad, but I’m doing it s whatever.

I’m also taking diuretics. I restricted today and only had a yogurt with dried cranberries. a cup of coffee with non-dairy creamer and sugar. And tea with the same.

Baby steps, baby steps.

Isn’t this shit lovely

I popped a blood vessel in my eye, too.

Ha! I’m hilarious.

Difficult to swallow right now. Literally.

I’m taking these things as a sign. It’s over. It’s time to start actively participating in my recovery.

No more simple documentation, no more submission.

Ed, you’ll fucking submit to me.

I know I’m triggering, I know I’m fucking up in recovery

But can anyone tell me if it’s super super bad to throw up blood?

In all my 3 and a half years with ED, I’ve never done that until now. (except a few weeks ago and it was NOTHING compared to this)

Someone please tell me what this could mean?

I can’t do this anymore, and if this isn’t a sign I don’t know what is?

It’s been awhile

Im not even sure what date it is…

Sorry I haven’t been on much. With Valentine’s Day and just life, it’s been hard to keep up. I’ll try to be better.

I’m currently 9 cupcakes deep. I feeling really sick, and I will definitely be purging this. I’ve discovered the salt water vomit. It’s kind of not good to discover, but I did.

I’m currently sweating. My stomach is huge. I haven’t showered in two days.

Yep, it’s been one of those weekends.

I just sincerely hate myself.